Funny Olympic Commentaries

These have gone around before, but since it’s Olympics time again, thought they’d be appropriate again – enjoy!

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries,and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Windows Update Client = Spyware?

I’ve never been a fan of software that forces downloads down my throat, especially without my express permission, which is why I’ve always set Windows Update and any other application, game, etc to NOT download updates automatically. Why, because I’m a firm believer in “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

And this has SO much been the case with just about any Microsoft product ever since I can remember. How many times have you experienced or read about an update (or even a service pack) ruining machines or causing more problems than there were to begin with after they were installed? Countless!

As a South African we’ve not really had the pleasure of bandwidth (cost being the biggest issue) so I, like many other South Africans, until recently, had been a dial-up user up until a few months ago. Have you ever tried downloading big updates (never mind trying a service pack) using dial-up? But as a newly converted ADSL user, bandwidth is still a cost issue for us South Africans, so my Windows Update settings are still set to Check for Updates (no updates are downloaded and you’re notified that updates are available for download and install). As a tech-savvy computer user I keep up-to-date with the latest news and know most of the time where there are vulnerabilities in my machine and decide myself whether or not a certain update is required or not. I don’t have unnecessary services running and don’t use certain Windows components on my home machine so I’m comfortable deciding when and what Windows Update downloads and installs on my machine.

And now on to the crux of the matter, it appears that Microsoft has for a long time decided that as long as there is an Internet connection available Windows Update will update itself whenever it wants to, without your knowledge or approval. Which in my mind means Microsoft has imposed on us Spyware (interestingly Microsoft’s Malicious Software Tool seems to ignore it).

Scott Dunn has been a contributing editor for PC World since 1992 and he’s also supplying articles for the Windows Secrets website. There’s a great article explaining in more details how Windows Update actually works and how to tweak it to your needs.

The Art Of Water

Water feature in Las Vegas

Water feature in Las Vergas

I’m sure you’ve seen, either in person, or on TV/video some awesome looking waterfalls like the one at the Wynn in Las Vegas or something like the picture alongside.

But what you may not have yet seen is actual pictures and text being created using an electronically controlled waterfall.
 
If you’ve been to any of the big motor-shows around the world you may have seen the Jeep one but today I found another one taken at Canal City – have a look for yourself, and be mesmerised.
 
According to the Jeep guys, it uses about 3000 computer-controlled jets using a similar principal to ink-jet printers and uses about 1000 galons of water, which is filtered and recycled by the unit. They take about 4 days to install and set up and due to splashing and evaporation need to top it up with about 20 galons of water each day.
Canal City Waterfall City

Canal City Waterfall Feature

POTD: Optimist…

Pissimist - Optimist - Student

Pissimist - Optimist - Student

HP Printer Cartridges Expiring

HP

Okay, first-off let me begin by saying I’m NOT an HP fan, never have been and never will be because I think their printers are overpriced as most definitely are all their consumables. I’ve always been a Canon fan, and there’s very little out there that will sway me. Don’t even get me started on the crap Lexmark produce regarding printers.

Note that this isn’t actually anything new if you’ve been using HP printers for the last 5 years or so but since a friend has come across this problem I thought I’d share the info with you.

Right, now to the matter at hand. If you’re an HP printer owner, that uses ink cartridges (not laser toner), then you’ve probably seen an error message/light on your printer console which denotes the specific ink cartridge(s) has(have) expired. Now unbeknown to many HP printer users is that expired does not necessarily mean empty! That’s right, you may have inadvertently thrown away (or worse, I’ll get to worse in a second) your apparently empty cartridge because your HP printer told you it had expired.

But my printer won’t use it anymore if it’s expired and won’t let me print either until I put in a new one?

Wrong – most HP printers have a BIOS powered by a battery which stores the number of hours since that cartridge was first put in – irrespective of the number of times you’ve printed and what amount of ink was used on those prints. There is a finite number of hours that can elapse until your HP printer will tell you that the cartridge has expired. Which means you may have inadvertently thrown money in the trash with cartridges that weren’t really empty yet.

Oh, remember earlier I mentioned, “or worse”? Here’s the worse part: in some countries HP provides you with self-addressed and stamped envelopes for you to return your “empty” ink cartridges to HP for “recycling”, which means they can re-use and re-sell your cartridges again (and quite possibly make use of the unused ink left inside).
[Update 14 August 2008Here’s what HP really do with returned ink cartridges]

If you just do a quick check on Google you’ll find easily 135000 links relating to the above topic. If you want, simply add your printer model as well to see if others with your model have come up with the same problem and provided solutions but they should be pretty much the same.

As a quick start I’ve added a few links below for you to look at:

Here’s hoping this can save you a few $$$ and put a few less into HP’s pockets.

[Update 14 August 2008 – Here’s a page on HP’s website which you can see which printers and cartridges have the expiration date feature and whether or not it is overridable through the printer software.]

{Update 4 November 2007 – Lifehacker have just posted an article on “Is your printer wasting your ink and money?” which may be worth a read as well on the same topic as above.

The 10 Commandments for Dating My Daughter

As a parent and a father of two little girls I’m always thinking of the day they’ll start dating. As parents we sometimes tend to e over-protective, but with good reason (well most of the time anyway). So I found this little gem of a list which I found quite enjoyable to read (and quite possibly will adopt in the not too distant future) and thought I’d share it with you:

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Not sure who the original source is but found it in a post on Funtasticus today.

Ventriloquists

Jeff Dunham

Jeff Dunham

As some of you may now, I’m a real fan of ventriloquists and I think they’re one of the world’s most talented people. I’m sure you got an email with the video or at least a link to it on YouTube, Jeff Dunham’s ventriloquism act, Achmed The Dead Terrorist. Ever since I saw the clip, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on more – so much so that I eventually scoured places in South Africa to buy his DVDs and ended up ordering them from the US. If you’ve not seen any of his acts yet, do yourself a favour and go take a look.

Terry Fator

Terry Fator

Another brilliant, new comer (even though he’s been doing this for about 20 years already) ventriloquist, is Terry Fator. I just came across some of his clips on YouTube. He won last year’s America’s Got Talent and if you take a look at some of his clips you’ll see this man is well deserving of the one million dollare prize money.

[Update – 17 September 2008]
Terry Fator is releasing  his new book called “Who’s the Dummy Now” – thanks Warren.

POTD: Alien-vegetation

Would one call this “Alien-Vegetation“?

Alien Flower?

Alien Flower?

To-do List Apps

Albert Einstein's To-do List

Albert Einstein's To-do List

If you like being organised like I do, you probably use to-do lists, personal and work-related ones. Well if you do and want to know some of what is out there, or want to see if there’s another one you like and might use instead then LifeHacker’s latest post on Five Best To-Do List Managers will help you. It showcases 5

Personally, I like to use Outlook’s tasks and calendar to manage my daily reminders.

POTD: Stair-master

And today’s picture – how about climbing some stairs anyone?

Climb some stairs, easy, eh?

Climb some stairs, easy, eh?

Here are more daily pictures on Funtasticus.